Things never seem to go the way you think. In fact, I have no idea where this blog post will take me, and I’m writing it! This sums up the last 12 months perfectly. Oh yes, it’s been a funny old year …
In 2020-2021 I had great plans. I had left my IT role to concentrate on my Dog Behaviour business, was working part-time with a great bunch of people at Booth’s supermarket and was gearing up to be completely self employed. Then in February 2021, I found myself at home recovering from a major heart attack. It was a huge setback but I still had my ultimate goal. As I wanted to help people, I thought I could write more, not just about dog behaviour but also about my experiences of the heart attack.
It all started really well. While I recovered from the physical trauma, I finished writing a dog behaviour book, “Not Everyone Wants a Hug” and one about my heart attack, “My B****** Heart”. I also registered a domain, created an author website where I could sell my books and write regular blogs. As someone once said, “I was cooking on gas”. I’m not really sure what happened, but everything stopped after that. Suddenly the one year anniversary of my heart attack arrived and I realised that very little had changed since I finished the heart book. My writing and my goals had effectively stopped.
Actually, I think I do know – I was suffering from the emotional trauma of what happened and it changed me in ways I still don’t fully understand. In this post, I will attempt to explain. Not just to help me understand the psychological fallout, but also to help others who may be feeling similar. I guess I haven’t changed that much!
Returning to February 2021. I had been patched-up with a stent and sent home to change my life. I certainly wasn’t fixed and still had blockages. The book goes into lots of details about the physical after-effects and subsequent “recovery” (yes, written in inverted commas), and touches on the emotional impact during the first 7 months or so. Physically I felt great, changes to our diet meant we were losing weight and feeling fitter. I was raring to get up and do things but psychologically, I hit a barrier.
After the event, I lost much of the self-confidence I had gained over the last few years of running the dog business. I was worried about the remaining blockages, concerned about my aftercare and doing too much physically. After speaking with my GP, I decided I needed to give myself a break to recover “fully” from the event. I reduced my dog work to a minimum and (unfortunately, looking back) instead of keeping up with my physical exercise, I spent a lot of my day sat on the sofa. As the months went by and I no longer had the books and constant work to occupy me, my reluctance to do things (outside) got worse. I might not have become a total couch potato but there is definitely a Tony-shaped dent in my side of it. As I became physically thinner and my beard grew longer, I felt like I was turning into an old man, withdrawing into myself. After a year of waiting for the energy and enthusiasm to return, I feel like I am still waiting.
We know grief and emotional trauma are often felt after a major life-changing event (such as divorce, retirement, illness or other major event) and can lead to depression and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I don’t like to think I might have PTSD but looking through the smiles and my jokey nature, I have no doubt I am suffering some aspects of it, as well as being depressed. To be honest, I would be amazed if I wasn’t! After all, as well as trying to process a near-death event, we were still having to deal with normal life as well (kids, money, etc.). We have never liked asking the government for help and weren’t about to start now, so keeping the finances ticking over while sorting out pensions and insurances, at the same time as trying to process what had happened certainly didn’t help matters. Part of me thought they would just tell me to “stop being a fraud and get back to work, pleb”. We didn’t want to go down that route, even though it may have reduced some of the stress.
I am fortunate to have been blessed with “some” common sense and having spent my whole working life paying into income protection insurances, private pensions and being careful with money. Once everything “got sorted”, I actually discovered I could probably retire (or at least semi-retire until the cost of living goes up even more). It may have taken the financial pressure off, but didn’t really help my emotional state (first world problems, lol). To be honest, it probably would have helped if I had thrown myself back into work (as many people are forced to do after a heart attack) but my heart isn’t in it anymore (pardon the pun). Seriously though, while I still love helping people and dogs, the business side no longer interests me. I don’t really know where that leaves me because while I could volunteer my services, to keep up with professional memberships costs money (and requires continuous professional development = more money).
So not only am I still going through a major trauma, I have suddenly gone from being the “bread winner”, the major earner and knowing exactly what I want, to … what? I don’t honestly know … what’s my purpose now? It’s like being hit with another wave of grief and a loss of identity. I am still a family man and now have more time to send with them, but what else? Sadly, it is another reminder of the lack of emotional and psychological support that is available to survivors of a heart trauma (in this country). They can patch you up and send you on your way, but some level of emotional support is desperately needed. Heart support groups and charities are great, but sometimes you need a bit more to help you navigate your new world.
I’ve managed to get most of the way through this without mentioning the c-word. Covid has certainly not helped my recovery. The constant worry of catching it and “would it kill me now?” has had a massive impact on how much I have been willing to do. Another symptom of the loss of confidence in my body. I haven’t seen some of my family (in person) since before my heart attack (my sister and niece) and I can only imagine how hard that has been for them. Others I have seen less often than I would like, and some friends have been absent from my life since the start of the pandemic. It has been very hard on all of us.
So, where does that leave me? Certainly not living a life of golfing and cruises! One year on and I am still in a type of limbo, trying to process the emotional fallout and work out what happens next. I am waiting for another echocardiogram to see if there are any further changes to the heart muscle. It is possible that there is some improvement, but equally possible there is no change or even some deterioration. This whole situation is unknown territory and I still don’t know what my “new normal” is. It is pure torture for a control freak like me. As always, my family and friends are still very supportive of me and my decisions, and I am forever grateful to them and the facebook groups I am a part of. I owe them a lot! In my book, I spoke about new friends Will and Jim who I met in the hospital (The Three Amigos), I am still in daily contact with them and we have a reunion coming up soon – watch this space!
I also have to thank the actor (and the Ninth Doctor), Christopher Eccleston for kickstarting a self-analysis in me. I have been listening to his autobiography, “I Love The Bones Of You”. As well as being a fellow Northerner, he doesn’t hold back when talking about his own emotional trauma (something men struggle to do). His openness has definitely made me think about my own feelings and re-evaluate my future. His book is directly responsible for inspiring me to start typing again. Thank you Chris!
I know I am not yet fully-cooked and I still don’t know how things will pan out with my health or the business. However, I do know that it will take more time to process what happened to me. Perhaps this post is the start of my emotional recovery. It’s certainly been a hard thing to write! There are still lots of things I want to do and things I need to do, and I know I have the opportunity. One thing is certain, the next 12 months are likely to be just as odd …
The Changing Faces of Tony
I thought it would be interesting to share some selfies of how my appearance changed in the last year. The first picture was taken in December 2021 (pre-heart attack) when I weighed 14st 8lb (93.98kg). By the time the far right picture was taken in February 2022, my weight had dropped to 11st (69.85kg) and I am sporting a dodgy Viking look. These photos reflect the emotional changes that are still happening. I am still cooking and not sure how I will turn out …